When Push Meets Pull: How Anxious and Avoidant Attachment Impact Love

Do you feel like you’re always chasing connection, while your partner seems to be running away from it?
Or maybe you find yourself needing space the moment things start to get too emotional or intense.

If so, you might be experiencing one of the most common (and frustrating) dynamics in relationships: the anxious-avoidant attachment dance.

It’s not a sign you’re with the wrong person.
It’s a sign that your nervous systems are wired differently—and both are doing their best to protect you.

Let’s break it down.

What Are Attachment Styles?

Attachment styles are emotional blueprints formed in early childhood based on how safe, soothed, and connected we felt with our caregivers. They shape how we give and receive love, handle conflict, and respond to intimacy.

Today, we’re focusing on two specific styles:

• Anxious Attachment: “I’m afraid you’ll leave me.”

• Avoidant Attachment: “I’m afraid I’ll lose myself if I get too close.”

These styles aren't good or bad—they're just different survival strategies. But when combined in a relationship, they often trigger each other in painful ways.

Living with Anxious Attachment

People with anxious attachment tend to:

• Feel insecure when not in constant contact with their partner

• Seek reassurance to feel safe

• Struggle with trust or fear being “too much”

• Become preoccupied with the relationship, especially during conflict

When they feel disconnection or distance, their nervous system goes into high alert. They want closeness, clarity, and consistency.

Living with Avoidant Attachment

Those with avoidant attachment tend to:

• Crave independence and autonomy in relationships

• Pull away when things feel emotionally overwhelming

• Avoid vulnerability or “deep” conversations

• Feel smothered when their partner seeks too much closeness

When things get intense, they cope by shutting down emotionally or needing space—not because they don’t care, but because closeness can feel threatening.

When Anxious Meets Avoidant

Now imagine these two people in a relationship.

• One is seeking connection.

• The other is seeking space.

This creates what we call a push-pull cycle:

The more the anxious partner reaches out, the more the avoidant partner withdraws.
The more the avoidant partner pulls away, the more the anxious partner panics and pursues.

Over time, this dynamic can lead to:

• Resentment and emotional burnout

• Constant miscommunication

• Fear of abandonment or fear of engulfment

• Cycles of intense closeness followed by painful disconnection

It's Not You vs. Them—It's the Pattern

The anxious-avoidant pattern is not about one person being “wrong” or “broken.”
It’s about two people who love differently—and deeply—but don’t yet know how to make each other feel safe.

Both partners are protecting tender wounds:

• The anxious partner often fears being left or unloved.

• The avoidant partner often fears being overwhelmed or losing autonomy.

And healing doesn’t mean becoming someone else.
It means learning new ways to relate that feel secure, connected, and free.

Can This Relationship Work?

Yes, absolutely. But it requires self-awareness, compassion, and often professional guidance.

Here’s what healing looks like:

• The anxious partner learns to self-regulate and communicate needs calmly.

• The avoidant partner learns to tolerate intimacy and stay present through discomfort.

• Both partners learn to build trust, emotional safety, and honest communication.

Healing Starts Here

At Northern California Family Counseling, we specialize in working with couples caught in this dynamic. We understand the depth of pain, confusion, and hope that comes with it—and we’re here to help you both find your way forward.

We offer:

• 💬 Couples therapy (in-person or telehealth in CA, AZ, and NV)

• 🧠 Relationship intensives for deeper transformation

• 🌍 Culturally informed, trauma-aware, and attachment-based care

📞 Ready to Rewire the Pattern?

Your relationship doesn’t have to stay stuck in survival mode.
You deserve to feel safe, connected, and truly seen.

👉 Schedule a free consultation or Contact us here

Or learn more about our Relationship Intensives to go deeper.

You are not too much. You are not too distant. You’re just two nervous systems looking for safety—and that’s something we can work on together.